Ask two people who live together to split the chores and most will come out roughly even. Ask who knows when the bins go out, when the dentist is, that the milk is low, and the answer is usually one name.
That gap is the mental load: the noticing, planning and remembering that has to happen before anyone lifts a finger. It is real work, it is tiring, and because it happens inside one head, nobody else can see it to share it.
Three jobs, not one
Noticing: the bins are full, the uniform needs washing, we're out of eggs.
Planning: when it has to happen, what it depends on, who is free.
Doing: the part that gets a tick.
Most homes share the third job and leave the first two with one person. The person doing them often cannot explain why they're exhausted on a day they "didn't do much". The person not doing them genuinely believes things are fair.
The list isn't heavy because of what's on it. It's heavy because only one of you can see it.
What helps
Not a bigger to-do list. The fix is moving the noticing and planning out of a head and into a place both people look at, with an owner on every item. When the next step is visible, the asking stops, and so does the resentment that comes with asking.
That is what benudge is for. Say it once, and it lands on every phone with an owner and a time.
Draft · needs founder review before publishing.